Tips for aspiring bands

I mentioned a few posts ago that a friend is writing a book about Rock, and indeed Roll, and wanted ideas for songs about the seasons.

He had another request too: tips for aspiring bands.

Turns out he doesn't want genuinely useful advice, more humorous topical digs. This is the best I could come up with:

1. If in doubt, paint a stripe across your eyes, preferably in a glam metallic colour. And wear a braided military jacket. In short, look just like Adam Ant did 30 years ago. And if you see Adam Ant give him some DJ work—he's broke. (You might want to wear a bullet-proof vest, though, to be on the safe side.)

2. On the other hand, if you want to be taken seriously as an artist, grow a beard. Beards are very in for Serious Rock Artists. It'll also keep your face warm in winter when they cut off your gas.

3. Hire the best graphic designer you can to fabricate some crude personal snaps to put on your personal MySpace page to show that you're a real person trying to keep in touch with your fans. You'll also have to hire someone to run your personal MySpace page.

4. You'll need a blog. RIGHT: "OMG we're on Later With Jools Holland tonight!!! V. nervous but v. excited!" WRONG: "Got off my tits on free Champagne at a party for some record company twats. Kicked a fan in the balls LOL!" There are computer plug-ins that will introduce the right degree of spelling mistakes to make you seem approachable and human. Again, probably best to hire professional to do this.

5. If you're not too sure about your music, make yourself a bizarre costume out of angular bits of cardboard and tinfoil and wear a small birdcage on your head. This will distract attention.

Any other ideas?